Local stand-up comics offer New Year’s tips for the Forest City.

December 2019

By Sofia Voltin

It’s when we’re struggling to squeeze into our jeans (which fit perfectly back in September) that we start to ponder our New Year’s resolutions. Get ready for the Roaring Twenties, Part II. As we usher in a new decade, what goals should we set for our little city? Our very own local comedians have volunteered to weigh in on the matter and suggest these New Year’s resolutions for Portland:

“Bring back the characters. Portland in the mid-1980s was home to eccentrics: salty mavericks and sea-worn artists slinking up and down the city streets. Up until a few years ago, you could still find the dank weirdness hidden among coffee shops, dives, or in the shadows of Congress Square Park. Today, Portland’s overflowing with fifteen-dollar trash bags, rental rates that would make the Monopoly man blush, and local eateries sporting menus priced like the food’s made of gold and cocaine. Our weirdos can’t afford to live here. Portland feels like living in a newly printed Lands End catalog. Let’s support our weirdos. Go see a local comedy show, support a friend’s band, and buy weird stuff during the First Friday Art Walk. Uplift your local characters—they’re the ones making the art.”

—Ian Stuart

86 THE SPACESHIPS
I’m going to eat fewer French fries, even though they just keep getting better in this town. And really, all I’m doing is supporting a Maine industry.

I’m going to be nice to the new Mayor. She seems great, and it’s who the voters brought home. If they love her, then that’s all that matters.

I’m not going to expand upward too high into the skyline. I’m going to try really hard to make sure that the new condos look like normal buildings and not spaceships.

No more new breweries. I need to learn to be happy with what I’ve got.

I’m not going to close any major arteries this year like Preble, Washington, Woodfords—oh, who am I kidding? That’s just ridiculous. Of course I am.

Sincerely, Portland.
—Anders J. Nielson

FOR THE BIRDS
“Portland, it should be mandatory for you to have a microbrewery on every street corner. And start posting ‘no-fly zone’ signs for the seagulls on
Commercial Street.”
—Tammy Pooler

“Portland, open at least three to four more satellite pizza joints and allow parking on top of other vehicles to solve the parking problems. Bonus—this will make it easier to get a slice. While we’re at it, allow cruise ships to park on the streets for easier access for the people on-board to get a slice of pizza when they’re tired of cruise ship food. Come on Portland, we can do this!”
—Johnny (Friggin!) Ater