December 2011

Our surveillances are so sophisticated. Who’ll be the fly on the wall at your company Christmas party?

Some things, perhaps, we shouldn’t be allowed to see. I’ve just seen one of those things–something PETA might very well call a snuff film for fish.

What do fish think in their silvery brains? Did you ever think they could be so sympathetic, so nearly human, they could almost make you cry?

The internet clip I’m talking about is squidoo.com/underwater-ice-fishing-cameras#module154021950, but it should come with a warning.

Fish are hypnotized by the bait, which moves and bounces on screen, and you find yourself bonding with them. “Don’t do it!” Or even, “Not you!”

It’s so much like writing. There’s a sense of probing across invisibility through a medium–the elegant loneliness of a single line, with the hope there’ll be a nibble on the other end. Do you know what I mean? I can’t see you as I write this, but I sense you’re there.

The disturbing thing is, the fish don’t just look at the bait, they consider it at length and then look at each other, as though asking for input. They flirt with the idea. They stare at it and dream. Attention Merry Madness shoppers with your free wine refills: Have you ever felt yourself falling through the glass while window shopping? You take the bait, then shoop! You disappear instantly, out of range of the underwater camera.

Three fish are caught in this “movie,” and I feel their loss far more individually and personally than I ever did watching tearjerkers like Robocop III.

Another secret: The fish you expect to bite the bait isn’t the one who does. He stops, evaluates, makes a few passes. The bait bounces insouciantly. Then, from out of nowhere–you might as well say from away–a new fish slides in, some poor bass in a Yankees hat. There’s a pause and, shoop!–he’s pulled out of view. Or is it a she?

You can buy the Aqua-Vu AV500 fish camera with ice pod for $300 from amazon.com (again the connection with the written word). It’s in-stock and ready to ship for the holidays. Gift wrapping is available.

I call the company at Crosslake, Minnesota, and the rep warily agrees with me that it’s like looking through someone’s darkened window.

“We’ve been in business since 1997,” she  says. “I’ve used one, and the first time I saw what was under the ice, I thought how could this be real? Because they’re just there. It’s amazing. You wonder, how can they not notice this device?”

The camera, you see, is designed to look like a fish. Then it’s all Drag Me [up] to Hell. As far as I know, no human models are under development.